RE:BIND

“I’m Too Young Too Die?” More like you’re too young, goodbye! (credit @KinoFabino)

Yo fellow Gamers, what’s up? It’s ya boi here, and today we’re gonna look at the most heart pounding adrenaline pump’n’dump hidden gem we’ve ever played: DOOM: ETERNAL.

If you wanna see our writing on the original DOOM, read our writeup on Id’s 2016 masterpiece here.

THE PROS (besides ya boi):

With the tightest gunplay of any modern shooter and the most shit-hot graphics this side of Crysis (that don’t even require the Large Hardon Collider to run), DOOM: ETERNAL is a powerhouse of kick-ass gameplay. Of course the other selling point for the game is that the DOOMSLAYER is one of the most bad-ass protags of recent memory, eclipsing even Master Chief of the underground HALO series in his bad-assitude.

RIP AND TEAR your way through hordes of the terrified demonic undead, barely able to keep composure as their damned souls tremble in fear with every rending blow of your HUGE FISTS. If you’re like me and you miss throwing Jimmy Nerdtron into the nerd locker before going home and listening to SLAYER (ahead of its time tbqh), then this is the game for you.

Whether you’re bashing demons’ heads or just headbashing to the ROCKIN’ metal af soundtrack, you’re sure to have a bigger blast than the BFG10000.

(credit @KinoFabino)

THE CONS (beside fiat currency):

When I kicked my PS4 into gear, the first thing that struck me was the bizarre inclusion of completely worthless difficulty settings. What kinda wuss do you gotta be to play on anything but NIGHTMARE as John Romero intended?

Also, I saw online that there was this, like, pastel unicorn skin? Now, I don’t own it, I don’t want to own it, but let’s be real, there’s a non zero chance I’m gonna have to see that shit if I ever bother to boot up online play, and frankly, I just don’t think I’m secure enough for that

There’s also the just bizarre inclusion of politics that comes completely out of nowhere. DOOM 2016 was sick-ass because the DOOMSLAYER didn’t give a shit about any fuckin story, how could Bethesda go from having me rip computers out of the wall to forcing me to think? I work 9 to 5 buddy (unless I’m too hungover), I don’t have damn time to listen to your purple prose nonsense, I just want bloody mindless gore, like any other red blooded American. Isn’t it bad enough that politics have crept into the election, without having them forced down my throat in the game I chose to buy?

Then there’s the Marauder, or should I say, Frank Fromage, Lord of Cheese. I’ve seen a lot of bullshit game design over the years, and this just takes the cheesecake. To this day I still have no idea how I’m meant to beat him, instead I just trap him in some terrain (thanks Bethesda) and whale on him with the shotgun until he drops dead. And before you ask, no, you can’t even pet the damn dog, I tried for 2 hours.

THE CONCLUSION:

DOOM: ETERNAL is a flawless masterpiece of game design from our friends over at Id, and I’m honoured to have had the chance to get hands-on with such an astounding powerhouse of high fidelity blood and gore. So boot it up and go to hell!

Awesome pics. Great size. Look thick. Solid. Tight. Keep us all posted on your continued progress with any new progress pics or vid clips. Show us what you got man. Wanna see how freakin’ huge, solid, thick and tight you can get. Thanks for the motivation.
(credit @KinoFabino)

We give DOOM: ETERNAL … a 5 … out of five.



Mx. Medea is a writer, artist, and editor who spends most of their time drawing things with squares and buried under a small pile of endless paper copy. When not working they can be found playing everything from interesting indie fare to oldschool games. You can find them, their art, and their opinions @Mx_Medea on Twitter.